Salty Speculations

To all of the people who are anti-“It gets better”,

At the beginning of the “It gets better” campaign there was much excitement and hope for the future of LGBTQ youth.  The original point of the campaign was to show youth who were struggling and maybe contemplating suicide that their life would indeed get better.  It was to show that in this moment right now, maybe they are hurting, but it does not always have to be like that.  Part of the “getting better” comes from their own choice of being who they really are in whatever way that is possible.  Some of the “gets better” comes from the negative people in these youths lives either coming around or not being part of the picture.  There is not just one part of getting better!  Videos have come from all types of people from all different walks of life.  Older teens sending their shout outs to the younger, celebrities, a miscellaneous hodgepodge of adults and even college groups all posted videos.

So as I began to take pride in what our movement is accomplishing, I suddenly was smacked in the face with an anti-“It gets better” rhetoric.  A group of people were against all of this hope, survival and progress.  I would expect that such rhetoric would come from more privileged communities, such as the ones that are consistently not allowing LGBTQ folk to have our freedom.  Instead it came from within the community itself.  This group noted all of the bad things that are still out there. They threw out the problems of privilege still running in the midst of the campaign. They took away some of the hope that a person may have gotten from the campaign. Instead of pulling up their big kid britches and addressing the problem by making their own video to encourage the youngsters like themselves to survive, they are complaining and tearing down the project ; the same project that may be keeping one more LGB TQ youth alive! I know that I personally participated in an “It gets better” video and encourage LGBTQ folks of all types to do the same. I want to see my people represented in the videos just as much as the next person, so I did something about it.

It’s depressing that even with one small crumb of progress the community that I call my own shouts it down for all of the problems that still exist.  Some people have decided that their life is miserable and will always be miserable and nothing will change that.  Additionally, do not try to tell them that their life gets better because the truth is, it won’t get better for them, they have self determined that they will now and forever be miserable.  Of course as the old saying goes misery loves company. I refuse to be that company, so you can keep your anti-hope, anti-life, and anti-progress faction and I will take the small movements, every last morsel of progress, every last bit.

MOACML

Fear for Once

I am a non-binary gendered person who is clearly and visibly queer to a lot of the population, aside from those who see what they want to see and ignore the true facts.  The people who don’t place me in a binary box by their own decisions inevitably do one of three things.

1. State “FAMILY!!!!” and become giddy

2. Stop and stare and then make a comment to their buddy trying to figure out “what I am”

3. Look decide that I’m a foul creature that either has a mental illness or that needs to be “saved by the grace of God”

The third group is the one I am going to focus on today.  This group is the one that breeds hatred. Out of this group of people come the people that have so much insecurity and are so scared of difference that they do crazy irrational things.  People that kidnap their “friend” and take her to the woods to beat her up because she is a lesbian, people that beat others up as they come out of a known lesbian bar because of orientation, people who post flyers all around a neighborhood stating that we should still be labeled with a mental disorder, that the government shouldn’t protect us from hate crimes, that align gays with molesters, that state that they are “put(ting) stuff together” to show us that we won’t be tolerated. All of these things have happened in my region recently.

I’m scared, terrified actually. I’ve had friends randomly beaten up before for being gay. I’ve had people make ignorant remarks to me. But when a group that you associate with closely gets called out in a flyer that has been placed around the region by Neo-Nazis (true story – the National Alliance – at least the flyer directed people to their information) it becomes more real than ever before. .

Sure I’m not going to let them scare me into hermiting in my house. I’m going to go out and be proud of who I am as I always do.  However it does make me more aware of my surroundings and a bit more careful. I also try to remind myself everyday that this is backlash pure and simple.  As Queer folk are given the equality we deserve those that hate us become more nervous and scared.  As we progress forward we have to remember there will be a few steps back.  These actions of hate and harm are those backward steps. So lets keep pushing forward leaving the idiots in the dust.  Send your love my and every other queer’s direction together we can be free to be who we are.

Solidarity,

MCML

I wrote this about four months ago and realized tonight the amount of difference in my life in just those four months. Its been about a year and a half now since the person this poem is written about and I parted ways which is about the same amount of time we were together.  This poem acts as a closer for me and I think it is appropriate to post it completing that chapter as I move on and have a date this coming weekend, the first that I’ve had since.

Lie in the Rain –

We sat there in silence after you spat out

I love you

I didn’t assure you the same for two days

And I did so braving the ice and snow

Almost sliding off the road to be frozen

Before I could be frozen in fear of replying

And now we again sit in silence

Peering into a space that used to be

What we called love

And the weight in the air settles on my heart

And makes me what to lie in the rain

And wash the heaviness on my soul away

Like the last bit of snow before spring

The commitment I made now sending agonizing chills through my body

As the freezing of those words happens

Never again to be thawed

To be used as fuel for a fire of passion and dependence

And as the quiet continues my mind returns back

To that first night of uncertainty

And I question if I had assured you sooner

If perhaps we wouldn’t be here now

Sitting in the rising ash of the smoldering wreckage

Of the last eighteen months

And I realize that its only half my blame

For my nagging, over protectiveness,

And fear of losing what we had together

And as for the latter, well you can’t blame me now

But in this moment what aches the most

Is that two people can’t be together

Because of a difference

That doesn’t make a difference to me

And so as this silence draws to a close

I’ll utter one last farewell assurance

Then I’ll go and lay in the rain

And wash the heaviness on my soul away

Like the last bit of snow before spring

MCML

Old Cat Tranny

I had a conversation with a friend a while back that instead of growing old and being an “old cat lady” that a gender neutral term needed to be inserted and so came the not so politically correct use of “tranny” but hey I’m describing myself so there. I was talking with a different friend this evening about being alone and hating it. I was  then instructed to write a poem. Here is the results:

Old Cat Tranny

Home from the bustle of work

Sits the keys down with the hope

That for one night more

There be will to cope

One day at a time

Was said when young

Between then and now

Forty years strung

Not one day passes

Without a thought

Of the years flying by

And love that was sought

Death not being

The biggest fear

But dying with no one

but a cat near.

Sometimes in life we get caught up in all the crap in life that we have to do, places we have to be and things that should have been done yesterday.  It is very difficult to remember the simple things and appreciate them in all of the hub-bub.  Often times it takes a tragic event to remind us and only a few moments go by before we are back into our lives forgetting.

I am fortunate enough to work with a group of children who appreciate  the simple things every day and this serves as a reminder to me to stop and appreciate them as well.  The children  that I work with have multiple disabilities many of whom are autistic.  A few days ago I and a child that I work with at the day camp were on a bus going to a field trip.  The windows were down and the wind was whipping through the bus.  I have never seen this child as happy as she was that day.  Her smile was gigantic and she was giggling.  I asked her what she was so happy about and she signed back “wind”.  Wind….that was all.  Talk about the simple things.

She reminded me that day that something as simple as wind blowing on you should be appreciated.  It has been several days and I haven’t forgotten yet, but how long will it be before I slip back into the day to day not remembering the lesson that she taught. I can hope that it lasts a life time but is that realistic? I suppose only time with tell and for now I will stop and appreciate the wind.

MCML

Today while on the Metro bus as I was sitting with the camper I work with at the day camp I looked in front of me and saw someone who had very masculine features but that was dressed in a frilly black skirt.  Upon closer inspection…aka this person moving closer to me due to a crowed bus I clearly saw an Adam’s apple and a five a clock shadow that was trying to be covered with make-up, additionally this person was wearing a stuffed bra, they were wearing earrings and  they had shaved legs and arms. And while they are clearly read as a male person in feminine attire frequently (as stated by two other persons that I work with) I had admiration for them being on a particularly crowded city bus, being themselves, and not freaking out about it. This person and my eyes met for a short period of time and there was a whole conversation made just by our eyes and head nods. My interpretation is something like this: (the bold is the other person)

Hello

Hello,I know that you and I are similar

I know that you are my family

This means that we are not alone in this crazy world

I know and I feel better just knowing that

I wish you the best, but as to not draw attention I’m going to look away

(as I was getting off the bus) Good day and Best wishes

Same to you

It does make me feel better knowing that I am not alone and that my own kind recognizes me for who I am even when others around me don’t. Furthermore I want to again express my utmost respect for this person being their beautiful self even when a lot of people would not want to be in that situation. I hope we meet again.

MCML

My friend’s blog post the other day reminded me of all the times I have been asked.  Are you a boy or a girl?  If I only had a nickel for  every time I was asked that question by children, I would be very very rich,  to rich to count in fact. However, below I shall touch on my favorite responses from both me and the children that have asked me.
Child: Ms. (Last Name) are you a boy or a girl?
Me: Really did you just say “Ms.” and ask me that question?

Child: Are you a girl or a boy?
Me: What do you think?
Child: Well you look like a boy, you sound like a girl, and you act like both
Me: (impressed by the child’s understanding of gender)
Child: I think you are a boy!
Me: Sure

Child: Are you a boy or a girl?
Me: Yes!

Child: Are you a girl or a boy?
Me: Does it matter?
Child: (walks away really confused)

Child 1: Are you a boy or a girl?
Me: What do you think?
Child 1: A girl.
Child 2: A boy.
Me: Exactly!

I love children. They make my day because they are so innocent and curious in their questioning and at the end of the day whether you are a boy/girl/ or something in the middle, they don’t care.

Tag Cloud